Synthesis .... or just ramblings

As I began my BSN educational journey, I wasn't really sure what to expect. I had heard it was “writing papers ad nauseam”. I wasn't looking forward to it at all! I was at a place in my career that in order to move ahead, I really needed further education. I was at a point in my life where I really needed to move ahead. My children are almost grown – one in college, one in high school. I was feeling somewhat empty inside. Pursuing my BSN seemed the perfect solution.

                                                         

Fast-forward to third quarter, spring quarter. Yes, there was a lot of writing papers this year. Most of them structured with bibliographies and citations. I truly don't mind writing these kinds of papers – cut and dried, no personal reflection necessary, the more important sounding the words the better. Then this class of reflective writing, reflective practice. What a shock to be asked to write from the heart, to look inside and write me. Some reflective practice writing within a structure to help piece apart my feelings and actions and help define the situation. Without experiencing difficult situations over and over, how can we learn by them? The usual mode of operation, for me, is to try to forget unpleasant things, to tuck them away. Using reflective practice writing forces me to examine my actions, my thoughts, to really feel the emotion attached to the unpleasant incident.

My goals, along with mastering reflective writing, were to work on finding and living by my core values. Here they are again:

• Respect - for others, for myself, demand respect from others for myself, boundaries
• Meaningful work - putting my heart and soul into my profession
• Relationships - family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances
• Fun - creativity, humor, child-like
• Growth - physically and personally including education, spiritual and reflective

As with any new project, the beginning is a fury of activity – “I'm going to do this and that and this” to attain my goals. Well this was no different. I used my goals as a mantra when trying to relax. I reviewed them before most encounters and situations. I worked diligently on showing and demanding respect, worked on setting and maintaining my boundaries. This is the most difficult for me, the boundary part. My upbringing with a severely depressed mother and an absent father shaped my lack of boundaries. I've worked on painting, having fun with friends, meeting up with long-lost friends. 

 

I appreciate the working on inside-me this class has “forced” me to do. Previously, I was addicted to working out, going to the gym. I pumped iron, ran, stepped, zumba-d, practiced yoga for hours and hours. I was going to perfect the outside. Then came shoulder surgery and depression. My addiction couldn't be fulfilled. I had plenty of time, though, to think about where I am in my life, plenty of time to reflect on me. I came to the realization that what I was doing for myself wasn't working. I wasn't really happy. I needed to change my focus from the outside to within. Working out didn't fulfill me anymore, hadn't really ever fulfilled me. When the option for a Reflective Practice class came up, a VLPA class, one I really needed, I signed up, not having a clue what to expect. 

 

It all comes full circle. I put out an intention – change my focus to within – and the universe conspired to help me attain my goals. I am a work in progress, but at least I am a work. I realize that I am not diligent in reviewing my core values as much, I am going into encounters, situations blindly. Maybe I don't need to review them so much anymore. Maybe practice does make perfect....or almost perfect!