I wanted to share these photos with you - these are in Redmond at a park.  They are knit with velcro holding them together.  They are so happy!  Little tree condoms.....:P

Synthesis .... or just ramblings

As I began my BSN educational journey, I wasn't really sure what to expect. I had heard it was “writing papers ad nauseam”. I wasn't looking forward to it at all! I was at a place in my career that in order to move ahead, I really needed further education. I was at a point in my life where I really needed to move ahead. My children are almost grown – one in college, one in high school. I was feeling somewhat empty inside. Pursuing my BSN seemed the perfect solution.

                                                         

Fast-forward to third quarter, spring quarter. Yes, there was a lot of writing papers this year. Most of them structured with bibliographies and citations. I truly don't mind writing these kinds of papers – cut and dried, no personal reflection necessary, the more important sounding the words the better. Then this class of reflective writing, reflective practice. What a shock to be asked to write from the heart, to look inside and write me. Some reflective practice writing within a structure to help piece apart my feelings and actions and help define the situation. Without experiencing difficult situations over and over, how can we learn by them? The usual mode of operation, for me, is to try to forget unpleasant things, to tuck them away. Using reflective practice writing forces me to examine my actions, my thoughts, to really feel the emotion attached to the unpleasant incident.

My goals, along with mastering reflective writing, were to work on finding and living by my core values. Here they are again:

• Respect - for others, for myself, demand respect from others for myself, boundaries
• Meaningful work - putting my heart and soul into my profession
• Relationships - family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances
• Fun - creativity, humor, child-like
• Growth - physically and personally including education, spiritual and reflective

As with any new project, the beginning is a fury of activity – “I'm going to do this and that and this” to attain my goals. Well this was no different. I used my goals as a mantra when trying to relax. I reviewed them before most encounters and situations. I worked diligently on showing and demanding respect, worked on setting and maintaining my boundaries. This is the most difficult for me, the boundary part. My upbringing with a severely depressed mother and an absent father shaped my lack of boundaries. I've worked on painting, having fun with friends, meeting up with long-lost friends. 

 

I appreciate the working on inside-me this class has “forced” me to do. Previously, I was addicted to working out, going to the gym. I pumped iron, ran, stepped, zumba-d, practiced yoga for hours and hours. I was going to perfect the outside. Then came shoulder surgery and depression. My addiction couldn't be fulfilled. I had plenty of time, though, to think about where I am in my life, plenty of time to reflect on me. I came to the realization that what I was doing for myself wasn't working. I wasn't really happy. I needed to change my focus from the outside to within. Working out didn't fulfill me anymore, hadn't really ever fulfilled me. When the option for a Reflective Practice class came up, a VLPA class, one I really needed, I signed up, not having a clue what to expect. 

 

It all comes full circle. I put out an intention – change my focus to within – and the universe conspired to help me attain my goals. I am a work in progress, but at least I am a work. I realize that I am not diligent in reviewing my core values as much, I am going into encounters, situations blindly. Maybe I don't need to review them so much anymore. Maybe practice does make perfect....or almost perfect!

Oh spring!!!!  Birds tweeting, the smell of freshly mown grass, my hands in the dirt, gas powered leaf blowers and generator powered power washers.  When did a spring afternoon become the perfect time to pollute the neighborhood with noise?  I cringe whenever I see someone using a leaf blower.  How hard is it to pick up a rake? 

After viewing one of the youtube video assignments, I thought about finding a quiet place to think - to intellectulize (I think that's how he spelled it?).  My couch looked like the perfect spot...I"ll just place a pillow here with a light blanket...perfect.  Then came the noise!  I was immediately angered!  My heart sped up, thoughts swirling in my brain...How dare they!   Interrupt my thinking time! 

When the new tower was built for our hospital, our nursing manager (the top one) fought for each unit to have a "Zen Den" - a place to sit and think.  This was such a thoughtful gift to the floor staff.  The rooms are on either side of the tower, one with a beautiful Mt Baker view, the other viewing Mt Rainier.  The rooms are meant to be stark - two chairs, a floor lamp, a simple painting on the wall.  Phones, work, conversation is to be left at the door.  Beautiful.

After being open for one year, the Zen Dens are now places where you can pick up paper supplies, the census for the day, you can find a stapler in there.  Any information posters, fall stats - yep - posted in the Zen Den. 

I have talked with the manager about the state of the Den's and she has agreed with me - this was not the intent - but so far no changes.  I am going to continue working on getting these back.  Now I have some new ammo - we need a thinking space free of clutter.  Not only will this help the individual nurse, but further our practice, the art of nursing.

Back to the power washer.....two and one half hours of noise!  If I had my fierce conversation skills down I would have walked across the street, pulled out the power cord and conversed.  Instead I just steamed and stewed!  I can't change the world.....

Care taking....or taking care

The 12th of May - what a beautiful day!

 I have been feeling on the verge of depression for the past few days.  My van broke down and is stuck in Wenatchee, my little convertible needed the top fixed $$$$$, I got a ticket for no license plate on the truck I was borrowing.  One thing after another. 

When I was a teenage,r I went to Apple Blossom in Chelan and got busted for under age drinking (imagine - at Apple Blossom - drinking!) and was sentenced to some anti-under-age-drinking classes.  The one thing that stuck with me was when the instructor said that total body movement, as in exercise, was a great alternative to drinking.  Released endorphins. 

During my verge of depression this past week, all I could think of was a bottle of white wine.  I seriously thought, though, that I should experience these uncomfortable feelings, reflect on them, work through them.  It was very uncomfortable!  

I went to Zumba all grumpy on Monday night.... but after a few songs, a lot of sweat :) and the music!  I cheered right up.  It's amazing how movement and music turn on the endorphins in me!  Dancing is my passion - I have been involved in some sort of dance since I was 12 yrs old - ballet, jazzercise (taught for 18 years - yes 18!!), zumba.  And of course the dancing in this class!

Friday was my5 month follow-up appointment with my orthopedic after rotator cuff (plus three additional procedures on my poor shoulder ) - he acknowledged my frustration with my progress and emphasized the need to take "me" time.  Just like Karen :) did - it''s so important but so difficult to do.  I think as nurses, we are so programed to take care of others that we leave little time for ourselves.

 I thought about the term "caretaker" the other day, broke it up into "care" and "take" - I "take care" of you, and you "take" my "care".  What does that leave me with?

My older brother is helping me with my broken down van in Wenatchee - he is taking care of me and it feels very different........but nice!

Take care of yourself......

reflection using the Model of Structured Reflection

The poster project incident is still really bothering me. Especially since I tied in the Quality category – with the CNS! She “threw something together “ (her words) at the last minute on the same subject I had been working on for weeks. Since the two posters were on the same subject, they were grouped together and the prize was shared. I am going to reflect on this incident using the Model of Structured Reflection: Tenth Version.....with artistic design borrowed with permission from Geni :)

Aesthetics:
What am I trying to achieve?    Why did I respond as I did?    What were the consequences of my response for others, myself? How were these people feeling?    How did I know this?	Honestly – I am trying to get personal recognition. I have never given of my time or energy to advance my profession and I thought this would enhance my status as an RN at Prov and give me a sense of professionalism. When the CNS expressed her desire to join in on my project, I felt threatened and insulted. How dare she try to get her name on my project after I had done all the work. Maybe feeling a little selfish too. I have not talked to the CNS since our phone conversation (that ended poorly). I have avoided her and have not reached out as planned.   The CNS was astounded that I didn't include her, after all, delirium was her latest pet project. She was feeling anger towards me. I knew this because she is a very vocal person! I could tell by her words and tone of voice that she was angry with me for not including her. Maybe she back lashed towards me by “throwing something together” on the same subject – knowing she had many more resources at hand than I had.
Personal knowing:
How did I feel in this situation? What internal factors were influencing me?                                                              .	Some of my feelings: anger, threatened, violated, disrespected, not validated, used. My whole life has been based on the need for approval of others, for validation from others for me, for pleasing others. This incident can be looked at as a microcosm of my life. Avoiding conflict in the hopes of the gaining approval of others.
Ethics:
How did my actions match my beliefs? What internal factors made me act in incongruent ways?	My belief that my worth is dictated by the approval and validation of others, and that by avoiding conflict, I can maintain my worth in others eyes. My actions – avoiding any conflict – were based on my life-long behaviors for (supposedly) maintaining peace.
Empirics:
What knowledge did or should have informed me?	My knowledge of myself and my fears and doubts. I am working on this outside of practice and school, I should have acted and not reacted.
Reflexivity:
How does this connect with previous experiences? Could I handle this better in similar situations? What would be the consequences of alternative actions for: Others? The CNS.. Myself? How do I now feel about this experience? Has this changed my way of knowing?	This experience connects with every other conflict in my life. This is my modus operandi – how I function and survive. This incident happened at a time when I am exploring my life and trying to change patterns of behavior that are destructive to my growth. I am working on changing my reactions – I need to act, not re-act. The alternative action would have been immediately saying “no, I don't want you to be involved in this project. I have been working on this for a while, it is almost complete. You have a different perspective as a CNS on this than I as an RN do. I want this project to reflect the RN's perspective.” My behavior could have been firm but mature. I still feel anger about this experience. After reflecting on my feelings concerning my actions, I now realize that the depth and overreaction during this experience is related to my reflection on my past. Baby steps.....awareness is the first step.

and on and on and on....

 I am seeing a counselor  to help me work through my "mid-life crisis" :)  and I am discovering so much about myself!  I wish I had done this earlier in my growth process, but there is a time and place for everything - now is my time.

Some things I have discovered about myself - I have always been the caretaker for my family, especially for my mom.  I dissected the word caretaker - care take - I take care of you and you take my care.  This both benefits and harms us - it exhausts me to constantly take care of you, but that is my role and I feel comfort here.  By taking care of you, I deny you the growth of caring for yourself, although it is much easier for you to have me handle everything.   Changing our accepted roles, especially in our family of origin, after all this time is difficult.  A situation came up two weeks ago involving my mother and me, I basically said I wasn't going to take care of her.  Please don't get me wrong - I love her and she is perfectly capable of taking care of herself.    It is very difficult to hold true to my value of respect in this situation.  I am feeling anxiety, guilt but also a feeling of relief.  In an earlier blog, I listed my core values.  I can't express how important just having the words at hand is to me.  I can justify my actions because they align with my core values and make me a stronger, happier, more whole person.

I was toiling in the soil the other day and found this under a tree.  I have lived in this house for almost 16 years - where did it come from?   I love happy discoveries like this!!

goal update

Goal update :)

Respect - for others, for myself, demand respect from others for myself, boundaries

• I have always demanded respect for myself.  My difficulty is communicating this to others without emotion or just avoiding all together.  As you can see in my earlier post, I am still working on this.

Meaningful work - putting my heart and soul into my profession

• I am so excited!  I stepped up and volunteered to create the poster for our Nurses Day Celebration!  I'll post a pic as soon as it is complete.

 

Relationships - family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances

•  Meeting up with friends or family once a week.  I have been so neglectful of my friends, especially during this past year with school and surgery.  Had lunch with a high school friend last week, painting with an old friend the week before (you've seen my koi!), another lunch date this week.  I really missed my time with friends and really appreciate their friendship.

 

 

 Fun - creativity, humor, child-like

 

• Have you ever been to Teatro Zinzanni??  Fun and child-like!!!with feathers in our hair!  This is my friend for 28 years - love her!

 Growth - physically and personally including education, spiritual and reflective 

• Let me see.....oh, ya - BSN program at UWB!!!  I love school!  I plan to take the Spanish for Health Care Workers during winter quarter at EvCC.  Spiritual - meditating (or trying to..) by doing the 20-breath countdown.  Reflective.....this one is a process!