reflection using the Model of Structured Reflection

The poster project incident is still really bothering me. Especially since I tied in the Quality category – with the CNS! She “threw something together “ (her words) at the last minute on the same subject I had been working on for weeks. Since the two posters were on the same subject, they were grouped together and the prize was shared. I am going to reflect on this incident using the Model of Structured Reflection: Tenth Version.....with artistic design borrowed with permission from Geni :)

Aesthetics:
What am I trying to achieve?    Why did I respond as I did?    What were the consequences of my response for others, myself? How were these people feeling?    How did I know this?	Honestly – I am trying to get personal recognition. I have never given of my time or energy to advance my profession and I thought this would enhance my status as an RN at Prov and give me a sense of professionalism. When the CNS expressed her desire to join in on my project, I felt threatened and insulted. How dare she try to get her name on my project after I had done all the work. Maybe feeling a little selfish too. I have not talked to the CNS since our phone conversation (that ended poorly). I have avoided her and have not reached out as planned.   The CNS was astounded that I didn't include her, after all, delirium was her latest pet project. She was feeling anger towards me. I knew this because she is a very vocal person! I could tell by her words and tone of voice that she was angry with me for not including her. Maybe she back lashed towards me by “throwing something together” on the same subject – knowing she had many more resources at hand than I had.
Personal knowing:
How did I feel in this situation? What internal factors were influencing me?                                                              .	Some of my feelings: anger, threatened, violated, disrespected, not validated, used. My whole life has been based on the need for approval of others, for validation from others for me, for pleasing others. This incident can be looked at as a microcosm of my life. Avoiding conflict in the hopes of the gaining approval of others.
Ethics:
How did my actions match my beliefs? What internal factors made me act in incongruent ways?	My belief that my worth is dictated by the approval and validation of others, and that by avoiding conflict, I can maintain my worth in others eyes. My actions – avoiding any conflict – were based on my life-long behaviors for (supposedly) maintaining peace.
Empirics:
What knowledge did or should have informed me?	My knowledge of myself and my fears and doubts. I am working on this outside of practice and school, I should have acted and not reacted.
Reflexivity:
How does this connect with previous experiences? Could I handle this better in similar situations? What would be the consequences of alternative actions for: Others? The CNS.. Myself? How do I now feel about this experience? Has this changed my way of knowing?	This experience connects with every other conflict in my life. This is my modus operandi – how I function and survive. This incident happened at a time when I am exploring my life and trying to change patterns of behavior that are destructive to my growth. I am working on changing my reactions – I need to act, not re-act. The alternative action would have been immediately saying “no, I don't want you to be involved in this project. I have been working on this for a while, it is almost complete. You have a different perspective as a CNS on this than I as an RN do. I want this project to reflect the RN's perspective.” My behavior could have been firm but mature. I still feel anger about this experience. After reflecting on my feelings concerning my actions, I now realize that the depth and overreaction during this experience is related to my reflection on my past. Baby steps.....awareness is the first step.